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Saturday, August 14th, 2004

Subject:Fuck this
Time:5:36 pm.
Mood: creative.
I get so ridiculously stupid at times.

Chris called and enlightened me with the information that he would have had sex with some other girl last night except she was on her period. Of course after hearing this, tears just started to roll down my face. I don't care how fucked up our relationship was at times, I don't want to hear about some stupid slut who probably has chlamydia. What the fuck is that boy's problem? I absolutely hate that I let myself get so involved.

I'm just fucking retarded.

I hate hearing how good of a girlfriend I was but how I just wasn't what he wanted. I'm so fucking tired of feeling like I'm good but not good enough.

You know, last weekend I met a really cool guy named Trevor. He was intelligent, sang me Dave Matthews songs, and cuddled and kissed me all night. He told me that I was a sweetheart and that he thought that I was beautiful. It felt so nice. He gave me his number and guess what? I never called him.

Never called him because I was wasting my time on something that would never work. Of course. That's my life.

I need to stop being such a pussy. Cheer the fuck up Jamie.
8 said Nummy! | Lick the Big Spoon!

Thursday, January 8th, 2004

Time:8:53 am.
I'm going to be deleting this journal within a few days.

My new livejournal account is under the username of SapphireBelle.
1 said Nummy! | Lick the Big Spoon!

Saturday, November 8th, 2003

Time:12:36 pm.
I'm trying to get all my Livejournal friends' locations plotted on a map - please add your location starting with this form.
(Then get your friends to!)
Lick the Big Spoon!

Saturday, September 27th, 2003

Subject:I know that you think it's just a fantasy....
Time:10:02 pm.
Mood: indescribable.
I feel so great, it's actuallly indescribable. Maybe I'll try and do the impossible...

Firstly, I'm going to describe my relational matters so if those bore you, skip ahead.

Last night was a tremendously bad night for Adam and I. Recently, the two of us have been under a lot of stress due to busy schedules and whatnot so when we were able to hang out it was often really weird. Weird in the sense that normally everything's cool but lately things have been not so pleasant. Mainly way too much fighting and jealousy. The worst part was that we were fighting because we missed each other and it was hard dealing with hanging out only about once or twice a week. We felt like we weren't being appreciated or loved. So last night, the shit hit the fan....

I called him and he told me that he was going to go to a friend's house ( I was under the impression that I would see him that night). Because I was overtired and really emotional, I started crying and told him that I missed hanging out with him and all of that. He said something along the lines that I was just making up a reason to cry. So I hung up the phone and expected him to call back because he always does. And he didn't. Right after I hung up on him, he went to his friend's. Oh my god, if there's one thing that I CANNOT accept it's that feeling of abandonment, crying and no one caring.

I sat in my room crying hysterically ( remember, overtired) and called his friend's house 15 minutes later. I told him that I wanted to break up. No, it wasn't just because of the fact that he didn't call me back. It's more that I'm just not going to get into because it's no one's business but ours. So yeah, he then got upset. We never actually broke up. Came way too close for comfort however.

What it came down to is this, we agreed and promised to do some things to try and work it out. It hasn't even been 24 hours since all of that was promised but I know that things are going to work. We hung out all day today and it was great. Basically we just curled up in his bed in our pajamas making promises and showing our love. ::smiles:: It was so nice and like something I have never before experienced. I felt so warm and comforted. I guess I can only describe it as the feeling you get when you lower yourself into a hot bath. Soothing.

On a different note, 7-11 has Spiced Pumpkin Lattes which are heavenly. Oh my god. Go and try one.

On Friday we had to fill out these "pots" for people in Cadet Teaching. Basically what it was was this: You passed around a piece of paper with your name on it and the students had to write down one nice thing about your personality. So out of 12 responses to my "pot" 11 pertained to intelligence. Hmmm.

I'm okay with that but umm, there's more to me than that. These are the responses I remember:

"Intelligent and hardworking chica"
"You're extremely intelligent and I've always admired that"
"You're very nice and patient"
"You're really smart and sometimes use really big word that I don't understand, but that's ok."

So this all got me wondering, is that how people feel about me?

I have to work tomorrow at 9:00 A.M. Oh god, help me.
1 said Nummy! | Lick the Big Spoon!

Subject:Warm Spiced Pumpkin Lattes
Time:9:59 pm.
Mood: grateful.
Season = Autumn
You're Most Like The Season Autumn ...

You're warm, and the most approachable. You have
that gentle prescence about you. People can
relate to you, and find you easy company.
However it's likely you've been hurt in the
past and it has left you scarred so things can
become rather chilly with you at times. Being
the third Season in, you're mature, trustworthy
and loyal to your friends but prone to
depression and negative thinking.

Well done... You're the shy and sensitive season :)

?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
Lick the Big Spoon!

Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003

Subject:Twirling around the dancefloor puts a big smile on my face
Time:5:03 pm.
Mood: ditzy.
By talking to all of the "smart" people in physics I've determined that I currently have the highest grade in the class! Yay! Calculated that's 98.5%.

I rock.

Well just have to see how I do on the test that we took today. Blah. It was confusing vector and velocity shit.

So today....it's cold! 68 degrees, not my kind of weather. It's turning fall though and that's lovely. I have Anthropology tonight, so I'll go and suffer through that. I just don't feel like sitting through 1h20min of notes. I skipped Child Psychology yesterday. Oops! We were getting our tests back. I wonder who I did....

Ok, enough of school..

Fred told me that he wants to hang out this weekend. Cool, I guess? I'd love to hang out as long as it's platonic seeing as Adam and I are holding strong. I love him. ::smile::

Currently, people owe me $120. Female in charge, that's all I gotta say. People know that I'm one who can pull through. I feel very strong. Very in control.

My stomach looked considerably flat this morning. I was disappointedd though to see all of the little pinch marks on it. Last night I started pinching it like mad cause I hate the fat on it. But today I felt much better about my appearance. I'm really weird like that. One day I loathe my body, the next I love it. The difference is always whether I feel thin or not. I NEED to get over that. It's so passe to hate yourself. right? Loving yourself is the new cool thing to do.
Lick the Big Spoon!

Sunday, July 27th, 2003

Time:6:51 pm.
Mood: horny.
The male body is incredible. Mmmmmm.......
Lick the Big Spoon!

Subject:I love you all
Time:4:34 pm.
Mood: anxious.
Ok, Jess. No more cryptic entries...

Things have been alright with me lately. Not fabulous or anything but tolerable.


I work 6 days a week.

I've made $800 so far this summer. I have $10 to my name currently. I don't remember what I bought.

Basically I've been walking a lot, playing Risk a lot, and taking my senior pictures. UGH! Damn pictures, I'm terrified of how mine will turn out. If I look ugly, god, I'll retake them.

Nothing is new, I'm going to be promoted in two weeks to a month most likely seeing as there's a 95% chance that I'll be a captain. So I'll make $7.25 an hour. Nice.

I feel like I've lost all of my friends and I feel like they all resent me. I'm alone.

I don't hate any of you, nor do I think that you're not worth my time or any of that.

Jess, I miss you a lot.
1 said Nummy! | Lick the Big Spoon!

Saturday, July 26th, 2003

Time:10:17 pm.
I was told to do so.
Lick the Big Spoon!

Sunday, July 6th, 2003

Subject:I love you like a fat kid love cake
Time:4:16 pm.
Mood: silly.
We're only humans, we make mistakes;
To make it up to you, I'll do whatever it takes..
Lick the Big Spoon!

Thursday, July 3rd, 2003

Subject:She tripped, fell, and landed on his dick
Time:10:24 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Why was today such a bad day? Err, I've really no clue. All this shit is so annoying. I hate that no one in my family talks to me, I hate that I'm the outsider.

I'm mad that everyone is having so much fun with their friends. Where have mine gone? I hate this, it's always like this is summer.


If it wasn't for that place, I'd be uber-lonely. But then again, if it wasn't for work, I'd probably spend a hell of a lot more time with friends.

Next schedule, I work 11 days.

This schedule, I averaged 1.5 hours shy of 30 hours a week.
My check will rock, no doubt, but is it worth it?

Who knows. I want to starve. WHY?

Cause 113 seems so attractive.
1 said Nummy! | Lick the Big Spoon!

Thursday, June 19th, 2003

Time:10:44 am.
Mood: dorky.
God, finally the much anticipated summer has arrived. The best part? I've yet to have a day where I sat on my ass and acheived nothing. Oh yeah, it all looks promising.
Lick the Big Spoon!

Saturday, June 7th, 2003

Subject:Making love in Italy
Time:10:45 pm.
Mood: loved.
This morning I woke up at 8:30, took a shower, made myself up for the day, and then meet up with Adam at noon. Oh, it was so nice. We hugged and then we kissed, and it was just out of the ordinary seeing as we usually don't greet each other with minute or two long passionate kisses. We went back to his house and played piano. I'm getting the hang of it! heh. He's really good though. He almost has Fur Elise down. It sounds so much better than my interpretation of the song.

We went back to my house and freed up some memory on the computer, fun stuff, huh? We then went downstairs and laid around and after realizing that we wouldn't fall asleep, we went outside to sit on the porch. My dad told us to go somewhere, and he sounded really hostile so I got mad at him and we left the house only to have my mom yell for me when I was like 2 houses away. I told Adam to stay there because I had the worst feeling in my stomach. Sure enough something was wrong. My grandpa has cancer.

I started crying as soon as I got near Adam again. Poor thing, oh my god, it must have been terrible for him to just have me burst into loud sobs. I was shaking and started coughing really bad. We walked up to Snow school and sat on the sandbox where he consoled me and I told him that I wanted to ask for something. So we both put our heads down, held hands, and each said a silent prayer.

It helped a lot.

We then walked to Mr. Pita, ate, and then had an ice cream cone from Baskin Robbins. We saw Becca and Jessica on the way home and they gave us a ride to Adam's house where we stayed until 10:00 until he walked me home.

The two hours that we were at his house were amazing. We took showers...not together. :-( His mom was home so yeah, but when he came out of the shower and into his room, he looked so incredibly good. I was practically mesmerized. I could see the outline of his body through his pajamas. Mmmmm. His hair was all messed up too and it just looked so good. I wanted to hug him so tight and I did. ::smile::

So much more to write, but I think I'll keep in between him and I.
1 said Nummy! | Lick the Big Spoon!

Friday, May 30th, 2003

Subject:Computer Nerd
Time:12:52 pm.
Mood: dorky.
Yay! I modified my journal!
Lick the Big Spoon!

Monday, May 26th, 2003

Subject:Don't let the word get out baby
Time:10:01 pm.
Mood: ecstatic.
There's a problem with being wrapped up in someone. You have nothing to talk about to anyone else but of course the person that you're wrapped up in. I'd love to write in this journal more often but alas, do you all really want to hear it? Maybe I'll just be obnoxious one day.

Until then, good wishes.
Lick the Big Spoon!

Monday, April 7th, 2003

Subject:Sexual Double Standards--Be a Slut and a Scholar
Time:12:49 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
Ms. (Mrs.?) Hoven just came in and told us that all after school activities are cancelled due to the snow. Wonderful. It's April! But alas, this is Michigan.

When I asked Marshall whether or not Ms. Hoven was married his eyes looked frightened and said "I hope not!". hahahahahaha. The reaction was fucking genuine.

Yesterday, I went to Borders and bought two books. One by the name of "Slut!". It's a good book. Read it.
3 said Nummy! | Lick the Big Spoon!

Friday, March 28th, 2003

Subject:Hope and Vagina
Time:12:56 pm.
Mood: okay.
It's Friday. Woo-fucking-hoo. Nah, actually I mean that, it's almost as if I need breaks from school, I simply cannot deal with it more than 5 days a week. I'm not capable, does that make me weak? Average? Or just in search of something more than a mundane school day filled with lost hope, despair, exposed thongs, and hip huggers too tight?

School wouldn't be so...boring....if he was here today. Who knows where the boy is, most likely at home where his mom allows him to stay quite frequently. I don't get it, he can't be sick seeing as I was with him yesterday and even if he feels a bit out of sorts, he could still manage to get through a six hour school day. He has no drive when it comes to school.

I may hate the building but I have motivation, I want to make something of myself and I know that he does too. But hmm, not sure where my brain is making the connection and where his is not. He's hopeless, that's it. Sigh, I wish I could change that for his own good.

Anywho, I was able to hang out with Kylee on Tuesday, it was so great. I missed her terribly and I felt so bad about what I had done to her and while things are smoothed out we're filling the gap and rather fast. It's nice. :-) I like when I see her in the hall and she smiles at me. It gives me some hope that the friendship can be rebuilt.

Tonight I might actually get to do something. Maybe. We'll see. Becca had said that she wanted to hang out. I would really like to, just to I don't know perhaps recapture good times and to finally hang around some vaginas. lol.

Shit, I need to wrap this up. Class is about to end.
1 said Nummy! | Lick the Big Spoon!

Subject:Poo on You
Time:12:55 pm.
Mood: sad.
I have a cold sore.

No kissing for a while.
Lick the Big Spoon!

Saturday, March 22nd, 2003

Subject:Why Does My Hand Fit Yours This Way?
Time:8:46 pm.
Mood: loved.
</center>"If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
but I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
and I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do i dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it , I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it,
I dont understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way I can stay in your arms?"

I'm so in love with this song. I heard it today on the radio while getting ready for work. When I heard the part about the hand fitting that way, I immediately thought of Adam. We're such a perfect fit in every way. ::Sigh::

I don't know if it's safe to say that I'm in love but I'm getting giggly now and belting the words to this song. ::laughs::

He just called. hahahaha, story book love.
Lick the Big Spoon!

Friday, March 21st, 2003

Time:12:18 pm.
Mood: bitchy.
Ok, so here's how it all started and what brought me to the conclusion that everyone in dearborn must be related somehow because in no way can ignorance of that calibre stretch throughout more than one bloodline.


I care about the book and the discussion, ok?

Maybe, I have a problem, maybe I'm irritable but regardless the people here grate my nerves. I can't wait until I can go somewhere where the intelligence is higher. Wait, where's that? No where really, no matter how far or near your travel, you will always be plagued by stupid mother fuckers. That's it. That's it. I'm seriously losing my temper. Why is it so short today?

I woke up this morning in an ecstatic mood, life was grand and everything was falling into place. My grades were good, my family was good, and basically everything had purpose and reason. Then I went to school.


I have to laugh to myself at the way I handle things but honestly people, do something about yourselves. If you're dumb, don't speak. Simple as that.

My heart is racing.

I have to do my art speech on Wednesday. First one of the class. I volunteered. Go me.

Will have to go however and buy something to wear seeing as we have to make ourselves look presentable and semi-professional. How will I manage that? Must buy a skirt.

I feel as if I have an extraordinary amount of energy swirling about inside of me and through some medium must be released. But how? I don't particulary like when I become like this. I seem nervous and edgy. And I am. Don't get me wrong, it's just that well at heart I'm definitely neither of the two. However, I'm irritable. I'll admit it. I easily become frustrated or annoyed yet I'm very patient. My contradictions are staggering.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I'm fueled with emotion. Everything I'm saying has a punch to it, an amount of vigor. I can't quite explain but words provide great solace. Sitting here trying my best to sort out my thoughts is soothing and does help me to relax.

My hair is very soft today.

I have to work today, oh lord, I pray that I'm in a more accepting and tolerant mood. Stupid ass old folks. They get on my nerves.

I need to find a new job. Preferebly waitressing seeing as I have some experience in that. Any one have any suggestions as to where? I'm in search of good tips.

I'm done.
1 said Nummy! | Lick the Big Spoon!

LiveJournal for Jamie.

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